July 22, 2008


It is so hard for me to put my experience at e-camps into words. But I'll try. It had to have been one of the hardest weeks for me spiritually ever. 

The day before camp started, I was really trying to stop worrying about life outside the camp. To give it to God and let him take care of everything. But you see, I have this problem with control. I have had this problem most of my life; I don't know for certain how it began but I know that it has hindered me greatly. Camp was amazing, don't get me wrong. I loved it. But I was so vulnerable to the spiritual warfare that was encompassing the entire campus. I tried so hard to meet expectations that probably weren't even set by people other than myself.  

I wanted to take the best pictures; I wanted to capture the most tender moments. But, sometimes I wish I didn't have such an awesome zoom because I saw the faces of the campers in my viewfinder. I saw the look in their eyes, the same look I had a year or more before. My eyes were open... my contacts were even drying out because I wouldn't close them, I didn't want to miss the moment. I was completely open. After capturing Tuesday night's salvation experience Mark Harris' sermon on the cross brought, I was ready to give total worship to God. I was amazed at so many hands that flew up, reaching toward Him during the songs. I must have taken 300 or more pictures during that service, and they were all engraved on my heart. My heart was overwhelmed to say the least. Wednesday night came around and I had the hardest time holding back tears. There was a heavy burden on my chest I didn't know was there, and I barely made it through the time the staff had to pray over the worship building before I ran outside to sit by myself and basically hyperventilate. I couldn't walk let alone take pictures of the beginning songs. I had lost all control over my body which scared me even further to hyperventilation. 

Something inside me told me to get up and go take pictures. Jay was about to be taken in a coffin to the stage because he was going to preach on the resurrection and the reason for the cross. I would not let myself miss the pictures needed. So I came in, shaky as ever, and did what I was supposed to do. Thank the Lord the music was loud because I'm sure people heard me bawling my eyes out over the heavy burden on my heart. By the time the sermon ended...I knew I needed to stop worrying over the pictures I wanted to take and just praise Him for the lives He was saving. I let it go. I felt the most wonderful feeling I've ever felt: total release. The literal burden was lifted off my chest by God alone. 
That was what made camp so amazing. The lives of students were saved and I had felt total freedom from all burdens I thought I had let God take, but hadn't because of the need for control.

I am still learning to let go everyday. All I have to do is look at the picture above and remember the total freedom I felt before.
These words don't give God enough justice. So I must let my life be the evidence.

1 comment:

Rachel Lowman said...

you are one awesome Photographer!! :-) and I'm not the only one who thinks so.. :-)